AARP Bulletin - September 2012

Your Money  Financially Speaking
What if money problems force you to live with adult children?
When Parents Move In With Kids By Jane Bryant Quinn

You hear a lot about parents taking in adult children who are out of work. What’s much less noticed is the opposite trend—adult children taking in parents who find it hard to make it on their own.

Their numbers are rising dramatically. In 2008, 4.05 million parents were living with an adult child. By the end of 2011, the number had risen to 4. 6 million—a 13. 7 percent increase. (I was one of those adult children: My late mother-in-law lived with us for nine years.)

Most parents give up their own households reluctantly—usually because of frailty or loneliness after the loss of a spouse. Increasingly, however, older people are going broke. They might have lost a job in their late 50s or early 60s and run through their savings. And their children are their safety net.

Still, “it’s not a decision to
make quickly or in crisis,” says
Gregory French, president of the
National Academy of Elder Law
Attorneys. “Having good visits
with your children doesn’t nec-
essarily promise a good co-living
arrangement.”
If you’re thinking of moving
in with one of your children, for
whatever reason, what are the
rules of the road? Three issues
are paramount: financial ar-
rangements, duties and privacy.

You will probably want to contribute something toward family expenses, so discuss what’s best. If you need personal care, will you pay your child for it? Can you afford a home health aide if your child works? Everything should be talked through and written down, to avoid misunderstandings, French says. Your child might be embarrassed to ask for a written agreement, so bring up the subject yourself.

French also suggests that you, your child and the grandchildren still at home discuss what might happen during a typical week.

Consider meals, chores, TV use, daytime appointments, religious services, music, pets and social activities (yours and your family’s). How much do you want to help and what will your child expect? Can you drive or will you need to be driven? Will you go on family vacations? Do you think your grandchildren aren’t being raised well? (Warning! Think about whether or not you can hold your peace.)

Some form of privacy is essential, says John
Graham, coauthor of Together Again: A Cre-
ative Guide to Successful Multigenerational Liv-
ing. You and your child’s
family each need a place
to retire to. Perhaps the
house could be renovated
to create a separate liv-
ing space, with bedroom,
sitting area, bath, microwave and refrigerator.
Even a single-bed sitting room with TV, good
light and a comfortable chair would help. If zon-
ing laws allow, you might build a cottage in the
backyard. Or you and your child might invest in
a larger house together.