AARP The Magazine - May/June 2010

SHORTLY AF TER learning that my
future husband was the great-
grandson of the etiquette maven Emily
Post, I was invited to dinner with
his family. I’ll admit, I was ner-
vous. How do you act around
one of the most proper
families in America?

I shouldn’t have worried. Allen’s entire family was gracious, and I felt welcomed. And that, I eventually came to realize, is what etiquette is about. It’s not a list of dos and don’ts designed to trip us up. It’s a GPS that talks us through unfamiliar new territory.

Now I am director of The Emily Post Institute, an organization that provides guidance on civility. People often ask me: Are manners relevant in today’s fast-paced, complex, and crowded world?

Consider just a few societal shifts: technology-based communication, body-baring fashion trends, and open talk about religion and politics, long considered taboo. The potential for awkward moments—and yes, even rude ones—is amplified.

Many people say our polite society has breathed its last breath. I disagree. As society evolves, so must its manners. That evolution may be loud, clumsy, and painful, but the process is inevitable. It’s the best way new guidelines for appropriate behavior will develop.

Oh, Behave! Codes of conduct may change with the times, but etiquette is eternal By Peggy Post

Peggy, Help! st answers tickiest

FROM TOP: THAYER GO WDY ( WARDROBE S T YLIS T: PIPI LOOSE; HAIR AND MAKEUP: S TEVEN HOEPPNER); HOLLY LINDEM

Emily Post’s principles—
honesty, respect, and
consideration—never change,
regardless of the political, social,
or cultural landscape. These ethics
are the foundation for the manners that
lubricate society.

So, can you bend with the times? Do you invite your grandson’s pregnant girlfriend to dinner? Can you have a civil chat with someone who disputes your take on global warming? I hope your answer to each question is yes.

I’ll be writing in this space about etiquette conundrums, and answering your questions online. Please share your thoughts with me. I look forward to a robust, polite discussion. ;

You’re about to be introduced to your future son-in-law, the hipster barista-poet. Your daughter is head over heels, but maybe you think she’s rushing things. How do you set your reservations aside for a polite first meeting?

; Rely on the basics Let manners provide a sense of comfort. Make immediate eye contact. Smile. Shake hands. Say the young man’s name. If these things aren’t automatic for you, try them.

; Confess to nerves He may be intimidated. Don’t use that against him. Instead, tell him you’re nervous yourself. ( You are, aren’t you?) It’ll put him at ease— and at his best.

; Take an interest Learn something about him beforehand, and use it to get him talking. “I hear you have a new i Phone. What’s your favorite app?”

; Reserve judgment Look past differences— tattoos, questionable employment. Let this first meeting be judgment free. Good qualities you weren’t expecting may rise to the surface. —P. P.