AARP’s online community is a kind of “wisdom circle” that
draws on the shared experiences of AARP members. This column is
adapted from a thread in the community’s Grief and Loss group.
THE BEST
OF YOUR LIFE
WISDOM CIRCLE
Help! Should
I Confront My
Colleague?
A grieving woman confides in a
coworker and receives hurtful advice
Dear Wisdom Circle,
Seventeen years ago I lost my younger daughter
in a tragic accident. I’ve managed since then,
but my older daughter got married last year and
just had a baby. I’m elated, but I feel the loss of
my daughter. I’m also friendly with a colleague
who’s given good advice in the past. Recently
I told him I feel sad around the anniversary of
my daughter’s death, and he said I should just
“forget about it.” I was shaken by his response.
Should I tell him how he’s hurt me?—Intersan
ILLUSTRATION BY STEVE SANFORD
RESPONSE #1 People often give
these “slap-in-the-face” answers for one
of two reasons: ( 1) They want to snap you
out of your grief if they think you’re slip-ping into despair, or ( 2) they really don’t
care about you or your feelings. You may
have to examine this relationship and try
to determine which camp your colleague
falls into. I also think you should let him
know how much his words wounded
you. Give him the chance to explain his
remark, and decide whether to reassess
this friendship. —Oldieone51
RESPONSE #2 Judging by his reac-
tion, your friend has probably been hurt
in a similar way, and his method of deal-
ing with grief is to just forget about it. If
he’s a true friend, you have to talk to him.
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my wife in
2008 and miss her every day. —Chuck-sr
I think my colleague didn’t want me
to get depressed thinking about
my daughter’s death and he spoke
without thinking, as the Circle
suggested. He believes that people
shouldn’t dwell on their losses. I
considered confronting him, but
I let it go, since we work together.
Now I’m just wary about discussing
personal matters with him (because
of his differing philosophy), and so
we limit our discussions to books
and music. But if he makes another
insensitive comment, I’ll tell him on
the spot that his words are hurtful.
Reporting by Audrey Goodson
HOW TO JOIN
THE CIRCLE
To ask your own question, or to answer
someone else’s, visit aarp.org/community.
