THE BEST
OF YOUR LIFE
Long-Distance Love
Can a happy, committed couple maintain separate
homes…without living separate lives?
BY PEPPER SCH WAR TZ ILLUSTRATION BY EVA VAZQUEZ
INDA YOUNG AND BOB PETCAVICH, BOTH 57,
had a dilemma. Ten years into their happy
marriage, Bob’s job in Seattle was ending, and
he had received an offer from a start-up near
Houston that seemed a perfect fit. But the new
company’s future was unpredictable, so it was
prudent to maintain Linda’s steady income as
a private-practice psychologist. And it wasn’t a
job she could pick up and move.
Reluctantly, the two agreed to live separately.
Thus began a commuting relationship that last-
ed nearly three years. The long absences were
difficult, but Linda and Bob persevered: They talked on the phone every day, had
dinner “together” via Skype, and spent weekends together whenever they could.
Eventually, Bob’s company hit its stride, and Linda was able to shut her practice—
she felt ready for a career transition—and join him in Houston. Looking back,
the couple report that the separation didn’t hurt their relationship; in fact, says
Linda, “it’s become even stronger as a result of weathering the distance.”
As a relationship expert, I’m intrigued by long-term commuter couples like
Linda and Bob, in part because I happen to be in a similar situation: My partner
L
and I maintain separate residences.
The setup has become so common
that demographers have coined a
term for it: LAT, for “Living Apart
Together.” The U.S. Census Bureau
estimates that in 2010, some 1. 25
million married Americans over age
50 were living apart for reasons other
than marital discord. ( The figure
doesn’t include legal separations.)
Some couples, such as Linda and
Bob, are drawn apart by the current
scarcity of good jobs for experienced
workers. But other couples live apart
for different reasons. Certain people
are so attached to their homes or
neighborhoods that they can’t bear to
leave them. ( This is why I live in the
mountains and my partner lives at the
shore.) Others have young children—
or even adult children—who reject
their new spouse with such vehemence that the couple decides to live
separately to keep the peace.
Then again, the reasons may be
internal. Some couples need more
emotional—and physical—space than
cohabitation provides. A pair of writers I know keep separate apartments
to work in, because one is a morning
person and the other is up most of
the night. Although they tried living
together, it just didn’t pan out—they
were sleep-deprived and resentful.
Living Apart Together may be
necessary, but it isn’t easy. The loss of
everyday companionship is no small
matter. Some loneliness is likely, and
that can lead to resentment, temptation to find solace in someone else,
or a loss of belief in the value of the
relationship. And for spouses, living
separately is still relatively unusual;
in fact, friends and family might
openly question whether it’s a relationship at all. Couples who want—
or need—to live separately must be
emotionally strong, self-sufficient,
and able to innovate. That’s a tall order. Still, there (CONTINUED ON PAGE 84)
