maxiskirt and lizard-skin cowboy
boots. He is lying, but—swelled by
sweet and addictive affirmations
not readily available at home, where
my husband and I share teenagers
and bills—I believe him. So during
one lunch every month or so, my old
friend and I remember together who
we were: flat-bellied singles drink-
ing Labatts on Oak Street Beach until
dawn shimmered over Lake Michigan.
We have a crackle and connection that
is unrivaled by any of our other rela-
tionships, anchored by roots and an
unrequited attraction.
We are also both in lengthy mar-
riages with spouses who are flexible,
confident, and aware of this simple
truth: Every time we see each other,
we come home in spunkier moods.
“Old friendships bear witness to
your life in its entirety,” says Chicago
psychotherapist Carol Moss, coauthor
of A Woman’s Search for Inner Peace.
“And if you are a heterosexual woman,
having this friend be a man makes
those memories even more intense.
From the work that I do, I really think
that’s all we want in our relationships—
to be truly known.”
The ancient art of flirting, defined
as “behaving amorously without seri-
ous intent,” is easy to do, sexy without
the sex, and enormous fun. In old
boyfriends we find our history hold-
ers; in new men friends we get the
endorphin rush of a first date. Gone is
the cultural stereotype of male bosses
attended by flirty secretaries in dé-
colletage. The modern reality is that
female executives, many in their own
plunging necklines, now hold grow-
ing numbers of the highest-earning
jobs in the United States, giving them
equal opportunities to meet intrigu-
ing members of the opposite sex, in
boardrooms and all over Facebook.
A 57-year-old woman in Encinitas,
California, recently rediscovered a
male coworker from a job she left six
months ago. Divorced since 1984,
she’s been in a committed relation-
ship since 2002. But when this “pudgy,
brilliant guy” from her past sent her a
friend request, she accepted at once.
“I remembered how he made me
laugh harder than anyone else,” she
explains. “He was someone with
whom I found myself effortlessly
sharing stories about my ex-husband,
my frustrations over juggling grand-
children visitations, and my disap-
only if you set clear boundaries,” says
psychotherapist Moss, who special-
izes in counseling couples. “You
each need to know you are not going
to cross the line, even if the desire
is there. It takes a real grownup to
achieve this: psychological and spiri-
tual integration, the blending of ego
and your integrity.”
Keeping an admiring male—or
female—in the platonic category can
be particularly trying when a primary
No matter how happily
a woman may be married,
it always pleases her to discover
that there is a nice man who
wishes that she were not.
—H.L. MENCKEN
pointments about the man I live with.
