AARP The Magazine - February/March 2012

WISDOM CIRCLE
WORDS FROM THE WISE
AARP’s online community is a kind of wisdom circle
that draws on the shared experiences of AARP members.
This column is adapted from an online discussion.
Should I Help My Mean Mom?
A woman refuses to visit her mother even though her sister insists
My mother was never a nice person, and she hasn’t gotten
sweeter with age. At 88 she’s in the early stages of demen-
tia and recently moved to assisted care. My sister, Anita,*
is handling our mother’s affairs—from paying the bills to
getting the mail—and complaining about the stress. She
thinks my brothers and I don’t help enough and that we
should visit more. I live 1,500 miles away and have a limited
income. I don’t think Anita has the right to tell me how
often I should visit. If she feels guilty about paying some-
one to help (which I’ve advised, since Mom can afford it),
that’s not my problem. I know this sounds horrid, but my
mother is a mean, spiteful person—and if I never see her
again, so be it. My own children and grandchildren are my
priority. Am I wrong to feel this way? —Tired of Family Ties
THE DILEMMA
Response #1
I was drawn to your post as
if I had written it. My mother
also wasn’t a nice person,
but I wasn’t as strong as
you. I cared for her for 10
years; she had a way of
making me feel it was my
obligation. She’s gone now,
and I’m still trying to forgive
myself for feeling such relief.
You’re doing the right thing.
Don’t let anyone make you
question yourself. Stick with
your decision.
Response #2
Maybe the one who needs
extra attention is your sister,
not your mother. You could
send Anita things to make
her smile, like a gift certifi-
cate for a massage, and hire
help for your mom so your
sister can take a break with-
THE CIRCLE SAYS

ILLUS TRATION B Y CHRIS GASH
out feeling guilty. And maybe
your brothers could help with
the expense.

I realized I was angry at my sister because her behavior reminded me of our mother’s
behavior, and I felt manipulated. But you are very right: I was so busy feeling angry that
I didn’t pay attention to the fact that my sister is doing a lot! She and I have different
ideas about our mother, but now I feel clear about how I’m going to handle this. I won’t
let my anger and guilt color my decision about visiting, but I will thank my sister. It
won’t hurt, and, in the end, it might help. Adapted by Karen Westerberg Reyes
THE RESOLUTION

HOW TO JOIN
THE CIRCLE
To ask your own question, or to answer someone
else’s, visit aarp.org/wisdomcircle.

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