AARP The Magazine - April/May 2012

WORDS FROM THE WISE
AARP’s online community is a kind of wisdom circle
that draws on the shared experiences of AARP members.
This column is adapted from an online discussion.
‘My Bro-in-Law Owes Mom Money’
A mother needs her loan back. Should her daughter intervene?
My only sibling, Tina*, died suddenly 18 months ago. She
and her husband, Bill, had borrowed $80,000 from our
mother to save their house from foreclosure. But when
Tina died, Bill stopped sending checks. He said money was
tight but he would start paying again when he could. He
never did, and has since remarried, sold the house, and
moved out of the country. Meanwhile, Mom has run out of
retirement funds and is living off limited savings. Though
she asked for the money, Bill ignored her. Still, my mother
refuses to take legal action, and I don’t know if I should
step in. Any advice? —Worried Daughter
THE DILEMMA
Response #1 Your mom
has been generous and
caring to a fault. When it
comes to personal loans,
few people contemplate the
possibility that they might
not get paid back. I know—
I’ve been there, and it still
upsets me decades later.
Talk with other family mem-
bers, then ask yourself if the
amount of money and the
satisfaction of repayment
are worth the hassle, the
emotional roller coaster, and
the ill will that might result.
This should help you know
what to do next.
Response #2 You and your
mother need a professional’s
advice. And when you’re
satisfied with the resolution,
please consider renouncing
any anger. Though it may
be hard to let go, it can be
spiritually rejuvenating to
both you and your mom.
THE CIRCLE SAYS
Response #3 This
is heartbreaking. Your
mother lent this money
with complete love and
trust. Bill obviously has
no intention of paying her
back. I would seek legal
and financial advice, but
I would also encourage
your mother to seek coun-
seling, because this must be
devastating. In the end, you
may have to live with this, but
it’s important that you are
speaking out about the
dangers of lending
money to family.
Thank you for your support and for confirming that Bill is way out of line. He hasn’t
resumed payments, and my gut feeling is that he thinks Mom will die soon and he’ll be
off the hook. Meanwhile Mom is still with us, and it saddens me to see her living frugally
because she’s scared she’ll run out of money. The bottom line is that my mother refuses
to involve a lawyer, and Bill lives abroad, so getting the money would be difficult. I feel
I have to respect her wishes, and I don’t think legal action is worth the heartache and
family disruption that would result. —Adapted by Karen Westerberg Reyes
THE RESOLUTION
HOW TO JOIN
THE CIRCLE
To ask your own question, or to answer someone
else’s, visit aarp.org/wisdomcircle.

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