Forty-six percent of all fathers report
that at least one of their children was
born out of wedlock.)
Ray Paprocki is a writer and editor living
in Granville, Ohio.
We dads are still making
mistakes, feeling
vulnerable, struggling.
Navigating the Delicate Relationship
Between Adult Children and Parents,
“When we tell [adult children] what
they should do, they feel small and
powerless all over again.”
Along with being there when kids
want advice, it’s worthwhile to shift
from teacher to learner, to recognize
our kids’ growing expertise and seek
their advice ourselves.
There’s no crime in telling them
what we’re feeling. “Our children tend
to see us as fully grown, static adults:
no changing, no learning,” says Ruth
Nemzoff, Ed.D., author of Don’t Bite
Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding
Relationships With Your Adult Children.
“That’s a mistake. After all, we’ve
never been parents of adult children
before. We’re still making mistakes,
feeling vulnerable, struggling. Explain
that to your child.”
I took her advice and talked to my
children, separately, about my com-
plicated emotions. And I asked them
each the same question: What do you
expect of me now as a father?
So where does that leave the middle
generation? Do we fade gracefully
into a traditional, secondary role with
our kids or continue to be parental
trailblazers? We may have to figure
it out as we go, just as we did with
hands-on fatherhood.
For starters, we may need to rethink our role as Mr. Fix-it—the idea
that dads are supposed to save the day
for young-adult children, whether it
concerns career, finances, or a faulty
furnace. Instead, fathers should act as
a “supply and support station,” writes
Ken Canfield, Ph. D., the founder of
the National Center for Fathering,
at fathers.com. Offer the occasional
home-cooked meal or even a car
down payment.
And be available to provide advice—
but only when kids ask for it. Cautions
Jane Isay in Walking on Eggshells:
My son didn’t hesitate: Be there
when I need you. Or, as he’s too polite
to say himself: Butt out until I ask for
help. My daughter gave a different response. In short, she said: I need your
wisdom. The word jolted me. I felt
both honored and a bit intimidated.
Their answers felt like a small
breakthrough for me, providing more
clarity in our relationships. As our
family continues to grow and change,
I will ask this question again.
For his part, Jeff Oster had his own
small breakthrough. He and his wife
still regularly visit their daughter in
Colorado, but he has different expectations. The boyfriend who once
caused him such heartache has become his son-in-law and the father of
his first grandchild. Oster embraces
the new man his daughter relies on.
“That guy,” he says, “is a good guy.” ;
