AARP The Magazine - June/July 2012

AARP’s online community is a kind of wisdom circle that draws on the shared experiences of AARP members. This column is adapted from an online discussion.

WISDOM CIRCLE

‘Why Does He Keep Leaving Me?’

Her fiancé jilted her twice, and she wonders if she should let go THE CIRCLE SAYS Response #1 Walk away.

ILLUSTRATION BY KAGAN MCLEOD

THE DILEMMA

I was in a wonderful relationship with Dave* for almost two years. When he asked me to marry him, I accepted. This would have been my first marriage—I’m 58—and his second. (He divorced his wife two years ago after spending 25 years in what he says was an “unhappy marriage.”) After he proposed, I wondered whether he was ready for this next step. Sure enough, he canceled our engagement, moved out, and refused to see me. Then, after two agonizing months, we exchanged apologies and started to rebuild our relationship. Though things weren’t as blissful, we were getting back on track. But he recently left again, saying it “didn’t feel the same” and he needed to think. He hasn’t called, and it’s killing me. Should I wait for him, forget him, or insist on an explanation? —Dumped and Devastated

some time to heal, you’ll realize he’s done you a big favor by leaving.

Response #3 I can imagine how confusing this seems, but getting engaged to a man who just left a 25-year marriage seems like desperation—for both of you. It may be painful now, but at least you control your future. You’ve been successful on your own all these years. Don’t let him interfere with your peace of mind.

*Names and identifying details have been changed.

I finally broke down and called Dave. He said there was no other woman, repeating he “just didn’t feel the same.” I’ve endured breakups before, but never from a relationship I was so sure about. It’s been a struggle. About a month later I e-mailed him to see if we could be friendly, since we travel in the same circles. That’s when I found out he’s seeing someone else—I guess he’s not struggling—and he gave me the “I wish you the best” line. I should have gotten the message when he broke our engagement. I’m better now that I know it’s over, and I’m looking forward to the next chapter in my life. —Adapted by Karen Westerberg Reyes

THE RESOLUTION Response #2 I’ve had more of these experiences than I can count, including four marriages that ended in divorce. I know things are hard now and wish I could tell you a painless way to overcome it. After you’ve had