AARP The Magazine - June/July 2012

‘He Keeps Leaving Me’

Her fiancé jilted her twice. Should she wait for him?

THE DILEMMA I was in a great relationship with Dave* for almost two years. When he proposed, I accepted. This would have been my first marriage and his second. (He divorced his wife two years ago after spending 25 years in what he says was an “unhappy marriage.”) After he proposed, I wondered whether he was ready for this next step. Sure enough, he canceled our engagement and refused to see me. Then, after two difficult months, we exchanged apologies and started to rebuild our relationship. But he recently left again, saying he needed to think. He hasn’t called. Should I wait for him or forget him? —Dumped and Devastated

ILLUSTRATION BY KAGAN MCLEOD

*Names and identifying details have been changed.

THE CIRCLE SAYS

Response #1 Walk away. You deserve better than this. It seems his ex-wife still has a place in his heart, whether he’s willing to admit it or not. You don’t erase 25 years of memories in two short years. Rebound relationships like this are doomed to fail.

So join a dance club or go on a cruise and meet someone who is truly ready for a new relationship.

Response #2 I’ve had more of these experiences than I can count, including four marriages that ended in divorce. I know things are hard now and wish I could tell you a painless way to overcome it. After you’ve had some time to heal, you’ll realize he’s done you a big favor by leaving.

Response #3 I can imagine how
confusing this seems, but getting en-
gaged to a man who just left a 25-year
marriage seems like desperation for
both of you. It may be painful now, but
you control your future. Don’t let him
interfere with your peace of mind.

I finally called Dave. He told me he “just didn’t feel the same.” I’ve endured breakups before, but never from a relationship I was so sure about. It’s been a struggle. About a month later I e-mailed him to see if we could be friendly, since we travel in the same circles. That’s when I found out he’s seeing someone else, and he gave me the “I wish you the best” line. I should have gotten the message earlier. I’m better now that I know it’s over, and I’m looking forward to the next chapter in my life.